Le Pétomane

July 3, 2008


In Blazing Saddles, Mel Brooks plays cross-eyed governor William J. LaPetomane who is more concerned with banging his secretary than saving the prairie town of Rock Ridge from a scheming railroad company. My sister discovered that Governor LaPetomane is actually based on Le Pétomane, a French stage performer from the 1890s with a talent for controlling is abdominal muscles allowing him to fart at will. The name Le Pétomane combines the French verb péter (or fart) with mane (maniac) thus granting him the prestigious title of "the farting maniac".

Le Pétomane first discovered his erstwhile talent as a child while swimming in the ocean. He noticed that he was unable to control water penetrating his anus and that he could even suck up water from his rectum and project it several yards. Although a baker by trade, Le Pétomane regularly entertained customers by imitating musical instruments behind the counter (which I can't imagine whetted peoples' appetites for his, um... buns). At any rate, Le Pétomane soon took his talent to the stage eventually playing the Moulin Rouge in 1892. Some of his highlights included playing a flute through a rubber tube inserted in his ass, emulating cannon fire and thunderstorms, and blowing out candles from several yards away. Among Le Pétomane's audience were Edward, Prince of Wales, Belgian King Leopold II, and Sigmund Freud (who no doubt had plenty to say on the subject). In later years, Le Pétomane joined the vogue of recreating natural disasters for public entertainment by farting his impression of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

3DP Vol 1: The Naked Podcast

June 26, 2008


Three Dumb Punks present their first podcast featuring gay weathermen, Hassidic party boys, streetwalkers, and horny Turks. Click the title to listen or subscribe in iTunes under by clicking "Advanced" and then "Subscribe to podcast..." and type http://feeds.feedburner.com/AmantesSuntAmentes.

I Just Read It for the Articles

June 15, 2008

Sarah's sister gave me a February 2007 Playboy featuring Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer. Amongst the ads for Crown Royale, fragrances from the band KISS, and Skoal Bandits, was an article on male sexuality (imagine). In addition to such fine lines as "Faced with annihilation the Y (gene) learned to fuck itself," the article discussed some of the differences between male and female DNA.

One of the most obvious differences is that Y (male) chromosomes only have 76 genes, compared to the X (female) which has 1,098. But the Y chromosome wasn't always so meager. In fact, since the Y mutated from the X gene about 300 million years ago it has been steadily losing genetic material. This has caused some geneticists like Bryan Sykes to speculate that the male gene and therefore the gender may be completely depleted in 125,000 years. Other geneticists refute this finding responding that the Y chromosome has actually stabilized in humans over the last 6 million years compared to other primates. But regardless, the Y chromosome has undoubtedly experienced extreme declines of genetic material.

When making sperm cells in a fertilized egg, the Y exchanges DNA with the X during meiosis exchanging DNA through 23 pairs of chromosomes before being violently torn apart from one another. But these genes can only swap genetic information at their tips (otherwise, humans would all be male), resulting in genes easily being dropped. Y genes attempt to correct this by replacing damaged genes in single sections with healthy ones without having to involve the X. The Y can't always fix these problems however, which can result in a number of male-specific disorders such as infertility, color blindness, hemophilia, Duchenne musular dystrophy and fragile-X retardation.

Despite the disparity of genes between X and Y chromosomes, geneticists used to think that the genetic variations between men and women were minor, as most of our genetic coding tends to come over from the X with only small bits of code that make us male brought over from the Y. All fetuses begin as female until the Y kicks in chromosomes to tell it otherwise. But in 2005, two scientists studying the once-thought "dormant" female X discovered up to 300 active genes. Combined with more Y genes than scientists anticipated, this actually means that men and women differ genetically more than humans from chimps. In fact, men and women are further apart than any two races genetically. As Playboy puts it, black and white men are closer in makeup than a man to his wife. What are often thought of as socialized differences between men and women may actually be more fundamentally coded into our bodies making it no surprise that there often exists such a gulf of understanding between the sexes, Playboy perhaps being the quintessential example.

Welcome Home

January 21, 2008

After almost three weeks of traveling through India and 35 hours of transit getting back, I was ready to come home. Surprisingly, I found myself missing very little of my treasured New York lifestyle. Though not necessarily in this order, I missed long hot showers (of course), my family and friends, Sarah, potable water, playing chess, fast and available Internet, my guitar, and good wine. But other than that, I missed almost none of the other American accoutrements.

It was the most patriotic I've ever felt walking through customs and hearing the burly customs officer say in his thick Brooklyn accent, "welcome home." Never before have I felt the value of U.S. citizenship, what that means to the rest of the world, and the extensive resources that my country has as its disposal should it ever need to find me in some compromising situation abroad. Although I have always been down on the spirit of capitalism that pervades this country, going to India very much reminded me that it was business that shaped modern life and the comfortable middle class in which I was raised. My biggest complaint about capitalism is that it seems largely devoid of altruism or certainly mechanisms which inspire successful corporations to be altruistic . Our system is balanced by competition that we engender, rather than any sense of obligation to social parity. But it has made me think that becoming financially successful is the best way to help other people and make some sort of marked impact on the world. Whether I have the tenacity or taste to do that, is another blog post.

For the first time, New York seems quiet. And clean. The car lanes are luxuriously wide and cab drivers amble over the highways gently in blissful reverie. The sidewalks seem devoid of people and the peace and quiet facilitates my post-travel introspection. I am still haunted by those small faces that looked up at me with such devastatingly beautiful eyes pleading for a little help. I don't know what to do with that. Except to maybe understand my small place in the vast world a little more clearly and what makes life essentially valuable.

Go Go Goa

After my first foray into Anjuna Beach, I really couldn't understand all the hype. After walking through rows and rows of shop stalls that twisted mazelike at the edge of cliffs overlooking the ocean, I couldn't see a way down and wondered if Anjuna Beach even had swimmable beaches. Upon further investigation, it turns out that an unobtrusive, narrow path past the vendors stalls twisted down to the beach over red soil and black lava rocks leaving the impression of a long lost Martian ocean.

I walked down the row of beaches during sunset where bars had set up tables and chairs facing the ocean. Couples and groups of friends were drinking beers casually watching the sun gently sink behind the water. I set myself up in a bar almost at the end of Anjuna watching the beautiful colors succumb to the overarching darkness when I noticed a couple of younger guys next to me fashioning what looked like hash and tobacco into a rather large spliff. I leaned over inquiring about the legality of smoking this monster in such plain view

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White Like Chicken

Goa is the Indian Riviera. A series of beautiful beaches along the west coast each distinct from one another, it was settled by the Portuguese in the 15th century and remained one of the longest held colonial territories in the world only to be given back to India in 1961. Because of Portuguese influence, there is an abnormally high percentage of Indian Christians in the region with accompanying iconography around the city (although Hinduism seems to be making a comeback in recent years). In addition to iron ore, cashews, and seafood, Goa is known mostly for its tourism and for that reason I expected it to be easier than my other travels and the perfect spot to decompress before heading home.

I stayed in Panjim, the capital of the city, which is south of the hedonistic nightlife and full moon trance parties that has made Goa famous. Panjim, itself, is a fairly small town where the Mandovi river meets the Indian ocean with many small unpaved roads that wind through whitewashed shops and houses. It tends to attract older, quieter tourists and I stayed in a charming hundred year old Portuguese manor called Panjim Inn that had been converted into guest rooms. I walked to the closest beach Miramar my first day out which consisted almost solely of Indian locals. Teenagers walked along the beaches in groups looking at me curiously and asking to take my picture while young girls waded into the water waist-high in their saris. After all the attention, I felt like a famous actor on a remote coast unsuccessfully fleeing fan-crazed mobs .

The next few days I wandered through different beaches trying to find one where I felt most comfortable. I started at Calangute and Baga beaches working my way up, but ran into a detestable amount of British, German, and Australian tourists, all very much older with fat ruddy stomachs hanging over their waists and the occasional nipple ring or pirate scarf. I had imagined the beaches were within walking distance to one another, but in fact I had to spend a significant amount of money on taxi fares just to get from beach to beach. Apparently, most people rent scooters or motorcycles and let houses near beaches they like. After exploring the more touristy beaches, I settled on Vagator which was intimate with nice sand, few white tourists, and a lot of so-called "hippies."

I was surprised that even on the beach I was being solicited on an average of every two minutes by various young girls selling clothing and jewelry, men offering massages, older women slicing coconuts and mangoes with machetes, and others selling assortments of books, ice cream, and other luxuries. The young girls were amazingly tenacious and I found that this was the first sanctioned space that I had been able to talk to a young Indian girl that was even remotely my age. In a hard sell that reminded me of strip clubs I had attended, often these girls would plant themselves on the sand next to me talking for an hour or so in the hopes that I would finally look at their wares. One girl even had the self-possession enough to walk around advertising "Rubbish, get ya rubbish ere!" in a perfect (and perfectly ironic) Australian accent. And they were wonderful little scam artists many of whom assumed I was British and commented on my pale skin. We laughed and flirted, them trying to beat me down and me holding my ground until finally caving in charmed by their shystiness.

Luckily, one of these conversations paid off. As I was walking down the street I was solicited by a woman who wanted me to see her store and held me with the firmness of her grip and insistence in her eyes. Asking about me, I told her my dilemma of looking for a place to stay up north and she promptly hooked me up with a local guest house within walking distance of Calangute. Although spartan, it was clean aside from some ants and mosquitoes, had hot water, and only cost $28 USD. I was grateful and made a small purchase from her store in gratitude.

The next couple days I laid on Vagator Beach among wandering cows and goats soaking up sun, drinking beer, and eating delicious seafood. Goan cuisine fused Indian spices and seafood in unexpected ways offering variations on tandoori prawns, fish and shrimp curries, and fish stew byrianis. I had red snapper encrusted in Indian spices and grilled whole, pamfret stuffed with minced prawns and spices, masala calamari, classic shrimp curries, and thinly cut potato skins about the thickness of tortilla chips cooked in butter and garlic (admittedly one of the more Western dishes, but delicious nonetheless). I also sampled a local liquor called feni which is made from cashews and mixed with a sweet lime soft drink courtesy of the Coca Cola bottling company.

It was a strange feeling after the weight of India's poor to be laying on the beach so lavishly buying meals for under five dollars and beers for under one. But I tried to enjoy it as much as possible talking with various locals, many of whom had come as far as Nepal to work for the season. I also went to Old Goa one morning to tour the old Portuguese churches and surrounding tropical jungle. Goa is a fairly cheap place to vacation and other than the constant solicitations which occurred with maddening regularity, I would recommend it to anyone. I still had yet to sample the infamous nightlife, however, so I made up my mind to head to Anjuna Beach one evening, legendary for its all-night parties and accessibility to various drugs.

Midnight's Children

Despite the somewhat awkward motto, "Fly the Good Times," Kingfisher Airlines was extremely comfortable with decent food and televisions in the back of every seat. During the three hour flight to Goa I watched a talk show called (tellingly enough) "We The People" that hosted public debates in English about social problems in India. This particular episode dealt with the exploitation of child labor, a practice banned by law for children under 14.

The debate brought up many fascinating issues such as whether it was morally responsible or reprehensible to bring in a child off the street for use as a servant. On the one hand it kept children off the streets, paid them a living wage, and insulated them from more pernicious forms of exploitation, while on the other hand forced them into a kind of indentured servitude subject to the whims and cruelty of their employers. The show also addressed funding for schools (or lack thereof) especially in the rural countryside where teachers often don't show up for work and the schools themselves lack chairs, desks, or writing instruments. The debate raged between government officials, social workers, audience members who believed household employment had to be in children's better interest, and ex-street urchins brought in to discuss (in Hindi) their own experiences of living and surviving on the street.

Having been besieged by so many children in various states of dress, hygiene, and sickness shouting "Hallo Hallo" and "Excuse me, sir," their hands motioning wearily to their mouths, it was heart warming to hear people debating these issues so passionately. I found tears streaming down my cheeks as social workers stated the universally obvious sentiments that these children shouldn't be out begging for food, sold into prostitution, or working in the mines. They should be out playing happily in the sunshine, reading from books, and studying the world around them.

A significant point in the conversation occurred when a middle-class Indian woman in attendance with her daughter stated proudly that she had taken in a little girl off the streets that had become like her own daughter. The girls played together, performed chores together, and received education sponsored by the family. There was some debate over this woman's ingenuousness until someone boldly asked whether the two little girls used the same toilet. The proud woman paused looking stunned and then abashedly argued that it was unreasonable to expect a girl off the street to use the same toilet as her own daughter. And herein lies the stigma of the destitute and untouchable. Indian society is trying desperately to accommodate these wretches into homes and schools and businesses, but only as far as the bathroom.

I choked back tears watching this debate thinking that one of the most beautiful sites I'd seen in all of India were her children. Wearing schoolgirl uniforms crammed in the back of auto-rickshaws giggling and posing candidly for me, dancing joyfully to uptempo Hindi music, asking for American coins to contribute to their "coin collections," doing back flips outside my car, astride the backs of mothers rooting through gutter garbage alongside swine and cows, staring at me shyly across restaurants as if they had just run into their favorite Bollywood movie star. I couldn't help but think that these children are the key to India's future -- to its success, its beauty, its modernity. Those wide unassuming eyes and shining smiles somehow transcended their unbelievable social conditions while simultaneously highlighting them.

At the top of our hotel in Jaipur, I remember looking at the construction site next door to find that whole families were camped in front of the skeletal building bathing their infant children. After the mothers cleaned the crying children from a bucket in the crisp morning air, they handing the children to the next oldest daughters to look after while the mothers themselves went to work with their husbands. I couldn't imagine this life just as they could never imagine mine, filled with long minutes soaked in ridiculously hot showers trying to sooth my aching sedentary muscles. I know that these perspectives are all relative and that I may very well lose this compassion I feel day to day in the laughable complexities of my modern life, but I will try desperately to hold on to what made these children so special. One could do worse than trying to spend a life in service trying to better these children's lives.